If You Really Loved Me…

Posted by Susan Epstein on August 23rd, 2010 at 12:58pm

If you are a single parent and trying to start over you know what I am talking about.

Perhaps you just started dating or you have been with the same person for a long while.

Maybe you are thinking of blending your families or maybe you have already done this.

But it is not white picket fences and roses…you are getting flack from your kids.  You can tell that they are not happy about these changes in their lives…they seem angry, they have pulled back or they are rude or disrespectful to your new mate. They ignore your s.o. They say, “You can’t tell me what to do, you are not my parent!” Sometimes, they even verbalize to you “that if you really loved them, you would end the relationship and devote yourself completely to them.”

You might feel guilty enough for starting over. But deep down you know that you do have a right to happiness and believe that this person in your life is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You just wish it wasn’t so hard, stressful and such a big deal. And to top it off, you are completely in the middle. Your significant other wants you to control your kids and your kids want your significant other to just “go away”.

Now here you are second guessing yourself and wondering if the kids might be right after all. Racked with guilt, you fear that you are damaging your kids.

Well, here’s the scoop…the choices have been made and you do have a right to happiness and your kids have a right to see you in an adult relationship that lasts. Here’s what to do:

• Tell your kids that they don’t have to “like” your mate but they must acknowledge him or her and be polite.
• Tell your “other” that the kids need adjustment time and you will insist on them to be respectful but relationships take time and they should be patient.
• Plan weekly family meetings to go over schedules, plan weekends and vacations.
• Ask the step-parent to do something alone with your tween or teen (ie…teaching them to drive, helping with a difficult school subject that you aren’t good at, giving a ride, etc.)
• Create some new family rituals around dinners and holidays that do not look like the way you used to do things.
• Tell everyone how much you love and appreciate them for being patient with this new family and hanging in there.

So when your kids tell you if you really loved them you would get rid of Alice or Jim, tell them because you really love them, you are going to hang in there and teach them about love, commitment, loyalty and family and that marriage can work!

If you haven’t picked up your copy of Your Out of Control Teen…..there are hundreds of more tips and techniques for getting along and building a great relationship with the teen in your home. Click here for the details.

Tags: blending families, Children, parenting advice, Parenting Calm, parenting powers, stepparenting, susan epstein, teens, tweens

Under Children+ Family+ Teens/Tweens