“Get off my back! Leave me alone! I hate you!”
Posted by Susan Epstein on August 9th, 2010 at 03:37pm
Parenting has become more complicated in the last 30 years. What used to work: “Wait until your father gets home!” is long gone and parenting has become big business. Walk into any bookstore and you’ll see dozens of books on how to control your disrespectful child or teen.
If you are one of those parents who is walking on egg shells around your kids because you are afraid of the next blow up, then the following tips are just for you.
Stay calm: Imagine you are a robot and you are up for an Academy Award. You cannot show that you are upset or you will not be nominated. Take deep breathes and say as little as possible.
No Lecture: Lectures put kids in the tune out zone or they can trigger an explosive outburst from either you or your child or both of you.
No Questions: Questions put kids on the defensive and they feel backed into a corner. Instead listen to what they are saying and repeat back to them what they are asking.
Be Super Clear: Use as few words as possible when making requests of your child or teen. A good model to follow is: Just the facts, how you feel and simple request. (“You left your towel on the floor. It frustrates me to keep reminding you to pick it up. Please hang it up now.”)
Name the Non-Verbal Behavior: “Please don’t roll your eyes at me, that is disrespectful.”
Don’t Give Up: Continue correcting the child or teen until they get it and change their behavior.
Visual Reminders: Use post-its, screen savers, etc..to remind yourself to stay calm. “I am a calm parent. I am in control of how I respond to my child/teen. Like a flower wafting its fragrance for all to smell, so will my calmness spread through-out my home to all who live with me.”
Correct with Love and Kindness: Show you can by hanging in there and not losing it. Use the words “please and thank-you” with your kids.
I guarantee that if you even do one or two of these consistently you will see huge changes in your children’s behavior. Let’s start a discussion about what works for you.
Tags: calm parenting, parenting, parenting powers, taking care of yourself
Under ADHD+ Children+ Family+ Teens/Tweens
4 Comments for “Get off my back! Leave me alone! I hate you!”
1. Ann-Michele Timmerman | August 10th, 2010 at 7:50 am
Hi Susan!
Thank you for your article! As per your request, I thought that I would put my two cents in as far as what has worked for me!
What I have noted is that when we focus on how “different parenting is than it was x amount of years ago,” or engage in any other similar type of thinking that we’re facing an uphill climb, we tend to give our power away to a mindset. Society will predictably and inevitably change whether we like it or not.
For me, I created a “sub-culture” in my own home. Meaning, from the day my children were born and through the years where it’s natural for parents to hold the most influence, I led with the proper energy.
The intention was to build their happiness, self-empowerment and confidence, and as a side benefit, certainly prevented the negative sort of behaviour from happening then and later on. My children don’t act that way because it’s simply not in them to do so.
And it works! Now there is no behaviour to correct! No matter what the rest of the world is doing, because my children grew up in the “four walls of their subculture” where they received the correct energy from me, they wouldn’t even think to think of behaving in the ways you described above.
In my case, my children are now 14, 18 and 19, and I have never (no, I’m not kidding!) had any of those sorts of “disrespect,” etc. issues.
Hope that helps some readers!
Sincerely,
Ann-Michele Timmerman
2. Cathy | August 10th, 2010 at 10:43 am
Ann-Michele, You are a role model! I am a little emotional myself and have and a very ADHD, impulsive and emotional 10 year old son. My 12 year old daughter is very respectful but my son is a constant battle. Self control is a struggle for both of us! Even my very controlled husband finds it difficult to find the right calm responses. I can’t imagine we’re alone.
3. Ann-Michele Timmerman | August 10th, 2010 at 7:47 pm
Thank you so very much Cathy! (Well, I have to admit I am “cheating” a little – I’m a parent coach who teaches energy for a living so I’ve had lots of practice…lol…).
I can certainly understand where you and your husband are coming from…you are DEFINITELY not alone, and know that there are some wonderful people out there who are quite knowledgeable about ADHD.
All my best to you Cathy!
Ann-Michele Timmerman.
4. Susan Epstein | August 11th, 2010 at 6:43 am
I applaud parents who have created a home with peace and harmony even in a world that doesn’t feel that peaceful! For some of you, though, this is a minute by minute struggle with never-ending distractions and it is a challenge to stay on track with powerful parenting. My passion is to continue to give you easy strategies that you can apply one day at a time that will give you that peace and harmony that you deserve.
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