Father’s Day Is Coming….Where are the Fathers?
Posted by Susan Epstein on June 16th, 2009 at 02:17pm
With Father’s day coming up this Sunday I started to think about the many families I have coached and advocated for over the last few years. Many of the families were single parent families, all of them were single moms. These are families where the father is not present or involved at all. They are not giving emotional and/or financial support.
There is no one reason, diagnosis or disability that runs through these families as a common thread. What is consistent is that having a child with any type of special needs can put enormous stress on a marriage. When these marriages end sometimes the dad is still involved, sometimes he is not. It happened with my parents and in my marriage as well.
My dad who was child prodigy had difficulty accepting that his two young sons had below average cognitive abilities. My mom and dad separated often and eventually divorced. I’m still married (just had our 27th wedding anniversary), but our son’s ADHD and later bipolar disorder diagnosis was especially difficult for my spouse. He was an equal partner when it came to meeting with teachers and team meetings. Our son’s mental health started to decline when he was twelve years. He had some very risky behaviors that got him into serious trouble. My husband felt ashamed and was concerned about what people would think about his parenting abilities. This caused a serious depressive episode and left me as the “strong one”.
Parenting is probably the most difficult job any of us will ever have. Parenting a child with special needs even more so. Doing it alone…almost inconceivable.
Dads, your families need you. Happy Father’s Day!
Mindy Mazur, Special Ed Parent Coach
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Tags: fathers special needs children, parenting, single parenting
Under Teens/Tweens
5 Comments for Father’s Day Is Coming….Where are the Fathers?
1. Jillian | June 16th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
My sister has a nine year old son who has always been a challenge. Unfortunately, she is divorced and unable to cope with what it takes to bring him to doctors and get a diagnosis.
It is discouraging and troubling for my other sister and I to watch as this child grows more and more undisciplined and unmanageable. The father of my nephew does not want to be labeled as the bad guy and also refuses to discipline his son.
The schools and camps that my nephew belong to, as far as we know, never recommended that my sister visit a specialist. If only the boys had a father figure that could help my sister to be proactive and get help for him.
It is impossible for me, as the happily married younger sister with a healthy nine year old son, to guide her and help her child before it is too late.
If only all father’s could be selfless and caring and do what needs to be done to help their children!
Could you recommend a commendable facility in Boston that I could timidly pass on to my sister? We think he may have some form of Autism or ADD.
2. Mindy | June 16th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Hi Jillian:
Thanks for writing and sharing your dilemma. Your sister is lucky to have you. I have some questions before I can make any recommendations. I’m assuming your nephew hasn’t been identified with a learning disability or diagnosed with Autism or ADD. How is he doing academically? Does he have difficulties with his peers in school? Does he have behavior problems in school? If you’ve answered yes to these or some of these questions than the first step is to have the school do a psycho-educational evaluation to uncover social/emotional difficulties and/or learning disabilities. If your nephew is having any of these difficulties at school and the school has not recommended that he be evaluated to your sister, then shame on them and more than that they are not in compliance with the Federal IDEA Special Ed Laws and regulations. Schools cannot diagnose ADD or Autism but some of the testing done can highlight those propensities.
I’d be happy to speak with you further to help identify what your nephew’s challenges are as well as brainstorm ways to get your sister on board. I also live in the Greater Boston area Mindy
3. Pauline | June 17th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
My daughter is 15 years old, she leave home for school most days, but never really go there. She sleep out most nights, She I have no idea of her where abouts. She never answers her phone when I call. I’m a single parent with a another child, boy of 12. He is good, I don’t really have any problems with him. But my daughter is driving me mad! Whenever I try to talk to her she shouts and scream and I find it very dificult to get through to her.
I have threatned to send her to live with her dad in dorset, but she claimed that she would jump off a cliff if I did.
Education welfare have threatned to serve me with a penalty fine of 2500 pounds if her addendance doesn’t improve. I have called social services, my GP, etc but no one or nothing seem to tame her behaviour.
She didnt come home last night, but turn up this morning claiming that she fell asleep at her friends house.
She then got dress and left for scholl, but I then got a call from the school claiming that she missed a very important exam,
Right now I have no idea where she is, I’ve tried calling her but she is not picking up her phone.
Any ideas, how to turn things back around, this is stressing me out and I feel I’m unable to cope with her behaviour and attitude any more!
4. Mindy | June 18th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Pauline: Thanks for writing and sharing your story. There is probably nothing more stressful than being a single mom with a teenager who you are unable to communicate with and is engaging in risky behaviors.
Do you have a friend or family member who can offer you support and talk to? I’m not sure how the system works in the UK, but if your daughter continues to stay out since she is a minor can you take her to a mental health facility for a crisis evaluation?
It sounds like you have gone through the channels at your disposal, yet as you said nothing has changed.
I don’t believe that this is because of your parenting abilities, but rather something is going on with your daughter that has yet to be identified. It does sound more than teenage girl behavior.
Is there a way you can enlist the school as your partner rather than them punishing you for your daughters attendance issues? Ask for a meeting and tell them you don’t know what to do, you are fearful for your daughter’s safety and you need their help.
If you’d like to talk more about it you can email me at mindy@parentingpowers.com and/or we could speak by phone or skype.
Mindy
5. Jodi Stonebarger | June 21st, 2009 at 12:52 am
Mindy, It is very hard to raise a child with special needs and being a single mom. I am trying to do it. I just went through bailing my ten year old son out of juvenile detention. I was shocked when the judge put him in jail, handcuffs and all. His father is out of the picture and I doubt if he even remembers him. He knows his name and that is about it. But, unfortunately he remembers when his dad kidnapped him and also hit me. It is amazing what kids can remember, when sometimes I don’t even remember things. I am struggling and need parenting help. Help to parent him. I did send Susan an email about buying my son something everytime we went to the store. I feel so guilty because it happened again today. I gave in just so that he would not throw a fit in the store. What am I going to do? He has not been listening and it is going to be hard to tell the judge that he hasn’t been minding. What to do? Any suggestions. Please.
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