It Takes Two To Tango (or) Who Needs An Attitude Adjustment Part II
Posted by Susan Epstein on May 19th, 2009 at 06:21am
How your child behaves does not need to affect the relationship you have with them.
“Did he just write what I think he did? How can this be so? My son tells me he hates me. My daughter rolls her eyes when I ask her to do something. Of course this affects our relationship!!!”
Your child’s behavior has the ability to affect your relationship because of three things:
You feel violated. In other words, you take what they are doing personally. “He wouldn’t say he hated me unless I gave him a reason to hate me.”
You feel frustrated. “Why won’t my teen just do what I tell him to do? Why does he have to make a big deal out of everything!?”
Disappointed. “I wanted my child to be well-behaved and respectful. He’s a menace to society!”
If you don’t take what your child does personally, if you investigate and practice strategies and parenting techniques that work, and if you don’t give up hope, you will be able to see past their bad behaviors. You will be able to see them once again as that lovable being that you brought into the earth.
It’s easy to think that the way things are right now is the way that they will always be. But this is far from the truth. Your child becomes a teen and before you know it they are moving out of the house.
Work on having a great relationship with your children, no matter how bad they seem to act.
The following is an exercise where we can look at our normal or habitual behavior,
identify it, and figure out what we would like to replace it with:
Make 3 columns and label them respectively, Emotional Triggers, Usual Response,
Preferred Behavior.
Here is an example:
Emotional Trigger / Usual Response / Preferred Behavior
daughter screams / I scream back / I calmly say ‘That’s 1′
Becoming aware is the first step to making a change.
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Tags: Listening to Teens, Parenting advice teens, teen anger
Under Teens/Tweens
9 Comments for It Takes Two To Tango (or) Who Needs An Attitude Adjustment Part II
1. Jodi Stonebarger | May 20th, 2009 at 4:18 am
Hi, I wonder where I am going wrong. The emotional triggers of my son is when I ask him to do anything, his response is wait/later. The preferred behavior would be that he does it without being told a thousand times. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He is very spoiled and I wish that I could start all over again. I am feeling like it is to late to get him under control. What do I do?
2. Daniel | May 22nd, 2009 at 3:26 am
Hi Jodi,
How old is your son?
Have you ever tried a ‘responsibilities chart’? Some kind of display that tells him what he needs to do?
Daniel
3. Crystal | May 22nd, 2009 at 10:17 am
Hi Daniel,
i have 4 kids, ages 7,8, 17 & 20. All living home and in school. the 8 yr old boy and 17 yr old girl cause a lot of drama in the home that the 7 yr old girl is starting copy. Hubby and I work full time. We are losing our minds and control of the home, kids, routines. Getting HW done is a nightmare. Going to sports is a chore. Getting to bed on time, is a battle. getting ready for school in the am or getting stuff ready at night is all so difficult. There is so much disruption, yelling, anxiety and tension built up that hubby and I are giving up. Our 8yr son is so sweet yet out of control. His teacher asked me to take him to a behavioral/developemental doctor because he is falling behind in school and she thinks he may need special ed. However, the doctor says he is perfectly fine and does not need any assistance. Ahhhhhh! Please help me regain control of our chaotic life. My hubby has thrown up his hands and said that I needed to do something. thanks, Crystal
4. Mindy | May 22nd, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Hi Crystal:
If his teacher is so concerned about your 8 yo son’s academic progress why isn’t the school providing a psychoeducational evaluation and assessment? They are mandated by the federal law Individuals with Disabilities Educational Act (IDEA) to “Child Find”. That is if they suspect a student has learning disabilities they must evaluate.
Even if they don’t suggest it you should request that the school perform a psycho-educational evaluation (in writing). I don’t know what kind of assessment the behavioral/developmental doctor did, but usually a neuropsychological evaluation along with the psychoeducational evaluation will provide a lot of information on your son’s cognitive abilities, academic abilities, and if there are any learning disabilties or potential mental health problems.
I’d be happy to speak with you further if you’d like.
Mindy
5. Daniel | May 25th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Hi Crystal,
What kind of systems/ routines do you currently have setup in your house?
Daniel
6. Laurie | May 28th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
My son does the ok responce to everything. But never follows thru he has delibertly just given up on stuff and refuses to take resposibility to do anything I’m completly fustrated with his nonsence he’s a smart child he knows what he is doing.
7. Daphne | June 18th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
My 6 years old son started to throw serious tantrums since he turned 5. He is very impatient, stubborn, obsessive and only wanted to win ! Whenever he screams or even hits/kicks or throw things, my usual response was scream/yell at him. After learning Susan’s parenting guides, I knew that the preferred behavior is calmly say “that’s 1″, “that’s 2″. But the problem is when I ended at “that’s 3..time out !”, I couldn’t even get him to sit down on a chair r or stay in a room ! He is too strong ! He would push me and the battle continues ! Aware is one thing but application is a different thing !
8. Jodi Stonebarger | June 19th, 2009 at 2:55 am
Daniel, I am starting a chart. Today, he went to court and the Judge put him in handcuffs and straight to detention. I could not believe it, He is only 10 years old. I understand that he has to learn that he can’t hit people but, he was devastated. The judge put a $500 bail on him. Needless to say, that was hard for me. I am bailing him out tomorrow. I am just going to have to get tough. Any suggestions Please.
9. Jodi Stonebarger | June 19th, 2009 at 2:59 am
123 magic is an awesome parenting resource. I use that for Jordan and I seldom have to get to 3. What irritates me the most, is when I start counting 1,2,3, he will go 4,5,6,7etc. Is he just trying to push my buttons? Daniel, I am going to make a chore chart. How many chores do you suggest that I start out with?
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