Taking Down An Empire: How to Tackle Teen Anger
Posted by Susan Epstein on March 30th, 2009 at 06:02pm
Daniel Rosenkrant, Coach to Parents with Teens/Tweens
What do you do when you and your teen are having a discussion or an argument and they walk away from you? Do you yell after them, “Come back here!” or “Don’t you walk away from me!” Or do you just stand there, not knowing what to do, hoping that they will come back and apologize?
When your teen walks away from you, they have assumed control. You no longer have the power that you need to parent them. And each time you let them walk away, unchecked, their power grows.
Recently I was working with a mother whose teen is a serial walker-a-way. He goes to his room, shuts the door, and either reads a book or goes to sleep. Some time ago, Mom made a resolution to stop yelling. This left her standing in the kitchen, alone, like all the other times blaming herself for the anger her teen has.
In the past she had waited 15 minutes, then gone to see how her son was. By then the tension would have settled, and they would proceed like nothing happened. But, the same thing would just take place again the next day.
She was desperate, so together we formulated her new strategy – one based on the teachings of Gandhi and the principles of non-violence:
Here is what we came up with. This plan goes into affect the moment your teen walks away:
1. Do not respond verbally.
2. Follow your teen wherever they go. Do not wait even a moment.
3. Sit down next to them and don’t say a word.
Only respond when your teen addresses you in a calm and relaxed way.
You might take some verbal abuse while sitting there silently or questions about your motives, but don’t respond. Your silence is your greatest asset. The first one to speak has submitted.
Why were Gandhi and India able to bring the British Empire to their knees? This is because after a while the British soldiers could no longer kill these Indians who would not fight back – who would rather die, than take up arms. The Indians wore the British down by their application of non-violence. And you too will wear your teen’s will down to disrespect you by your practice of this great technique.
This is by no means a quick fix nor a simple undertaking. It may be the most difficult thing that you ever do as a parent. But it is sustainable and with consistency and commitment you will see the power that you have. Aggression will never destroy aggression. Only love will.
Non-violent parenting is a great area to dive deep into. In Susan and my upcoming Family Leadership program, this will be one of the aspects in which you, the parent, will learn to operate from. Check out this link for more details about our program: http://www.parentingpowers.com/familyleadership.html
Tags: Listening to Teens, Parenting advice teens, teen anger
Under Teens/Tweens
7 Comments for Taking Down An Empire: How to Tackle Teen Anger
1. Tina Beard | March 30th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
I understand, sort of, where you are coming from. However, how do I do this as a single parent with my twelve year old daughter when there are so many other things I am also responsible for doing in addition to taking care of another daughter who is five years old? It’s not like I can just drop everything and possibly let dinner burn to oblivion on the stove!
2. Mary Vona | March 31st, 2009 at 9:00 am
On paper this all sounds sublime. My 115 pound 8 year old is muscular, powerful and is set off when I utter “10 minutes to bedtime…” Then 5 minute warning. Seems all these modalities that are offered are for kids who beg and whine and sulk in their rooms. Not mine. I’ve got “MAKE ME!” with her throwing objects at us, kicking, running and hiding around the house, outbursts and screaming at us, all the while our 1 year old is sleeping and we’re on the edge of a break-down if we don’t get a full night’s sleep. She started out at 3 just crying bloody murder for the things she wanted and got “no.” from us. She’s battered us since she was 5. I’m frustrated, frantic, and worried. I’ve tried the Kazdin method (token economy), the Ross Greene (Paradoxical parenting), the pick-your-battles- and ignore the small stuff parenting style… which only rachets her up… ignore her? sit there and be silent? With her thrusting a foot in my side and screaming get out! get out! get out!! I know how I react. But how SHOULD I react? If I leave her to her own will, then she is happy and satisfied that she got her anger out on her parents, and it’s like she NEEDs it to thrive on… if I allow her to have her rampage on her parents, she’s got her “fix” and then sleeps like a baby. I’m OUT OF ANSWERS.
3. Daniel | April 1st, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Hi Tina, Thanks for your post.
I totally understand what you are saying. Change does not come easy and when we start to make changes in our lives, a lot of obstacles appear. Maybe those obstacles were their the whole time, but now we have become aware of them because we are trying to row the boat against the current.
When you get a moment, please sit down with a piece of paper and pen and write on the following:
Describe the normal scenario where you and your daughter are having a discussion and she gets angry and walks away. What time of the day is this happening? In which room? What else is going on around the both of you while you are talking?
4. Diana | April 2nd, 2009 at 2:05 am
I dont understand… so you follow them, sit beside them and what do you say when they say “What are you doing?”
5. Daniel | April 2nd, 2009 at 8:43 am
Hi Diana, Thanks for your question.
The point of this exercise is to return the power to you and take it calmly away from your child. We don’t want a child or anyone for that matter to walk away from us while we are talking to them. By following them, we are no longer giving them permission to walk away.
The reason I say not to respond is so that the parent does not return their child’s aggression. If your child speaks calmly to you then by all means respond and continue with the discussion that you were having. But chances are that if they walked away in a huff, they will still be upset when you follow them to their room or wherever they go. You must wait until they address you in an appropriate manner – until then remaining in silence is the best method.
If you have to speak, then in a calm voice say, “I am going to sit here until we are able to resume our discussion.”
6. Mary Vona | April 7th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Daniel, Just came back to check if you addressed the tantrum-hands-on child. I guess not. Am I to assume you’ve no answers for me? I’m open. -mv
7. Daniel | April 16th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Hi Mary, My apologies for not getting back to you sooner.
I have a few questions for you:
What is your ideal situation concerning your daughter?
When is she in a good mood?
What are her favorite things to do?
What could she not be without?
What is the situation at school?
I’ll be very happy to dialogue with you further.
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