Listen Up!
Posted by Susan Epstein on March 23rd, 2009 at 07:18am
Daniel Rosenkrantz, Coaching Parents of Teens
Some parents are so busy that they have to schedule on their calendar when they are going to spend time with their children. Because of work, personal, and other responsibilities and commitments, they have one half hour each day to sit down and find out what’s going on with their teen. And in this half hour, after a long day of work, they must focus all their attention and listen. Not an easy task.
Here are some tips for improving your listening skills and propagating interesting conversation, so that when you do have that precious time with your child, you both get the most out of it.
1. Ask open ended questions. This may sound simple but so many of the questions we ask are for efficiency rather than further conversation.
Closed question:
You: How was school?
Teen: Good.
Open-ended question:
You: What did you discuss in history class today?
Teen: Well, we were talking about….
You: Oh that’s really interesting. What do you think about….?
2. Find out what your teen is excited to talk about, and talk about these things more. If it is basketball, then talk about basketball. If it is science, then do some reading and strike up an interesting conversation!
3. Answer questions that your teen asks you. If you expect a response from them when you ask, be open with them when they return the favor. If they ask, then most likely they are interested in your response.
Have a real conversation: ask a thoughtful question, listen to the answer, and respond appropriately. And be ready to answer some questions yourself!
I’d like to know your thoughts, so please leave me a comment…
Tags: bonding with teens, communication with teens, Listening to Teens, Parenting advice teens, teens
Under Teens/Tweens
12 Comments for Listen Up!
1. Doria | March 23rd, 2009 at 8:26 am
Communication has become better. My sons main foscus is his dirt bike. I removed it from our home last week because he defied me. He asked if he could ride it and I said no. not until he showed significant improvement in school. He said I’m going anyway. Being much bigger than me He went.. He knows what he did was wrong has apologized. Wanted to ride this weekend and couldn’t. I bring him to school in the morning so we can have alone time to talk I will try the open ended conversation. I also want to know if what we are having for dinner is not what he wants and he makes himself pizza instead. My husband (not his father) made chicken last night and got really mad because Colton didn’t want it and chose to make himself pizza. Thanks for all the help Doria
2. Daniel | March 23rd, 2009 at 8:49 am
Hi Doria, Thanks for reading my blog and leaving a comment!
It sounds like you are experiencing what a lot of parents with teens do – the child of the family taking matters into his own hands, when he doesn’t get what he wants. This can be extremely frustrating for the parent.
Two initial suggestions:
1. Make a deal with Colton in regards to his dirt bike. If this is something that he is really passionate about, it gives you leverage and a hand up in the bargaining process. Maybe he can earn time for using the bike by achieving small successes… “significant improvement” in school may be too broad and long term. What about, “If you do all of your homework this week, you can take the bike out for an hour on Saturday…”
2. Have you tried creating a meal plan with Colton? Maybe he would be more interested in what was for dinner if he had some influence on the matter…maybe he could even make dinner one night…
Let me know what you think!
3. Zee | March 23rd, 2009 at 10:25 am
Hi Daniel,
I have two boys (one with ADD) and I have to commend you on your advice to Doria. Making time for your kids in these harsh economical times is very important and in order to make the small time a quality and productive time, one must talk about topics that interest them in order to get a conversation going with them. I do that with my kids and it usually works well. Further, I had a similar incident (like Doria had with her son) last weekend with my 17 year son (the one with ADD) wherein I told him he could not go to a teen club unless he told me the location and name of the place. He refused and did in fact go to the teen club. Needlesstosay, he came back home very late. We sat down and discussed it with him and decided to take the computer away for 2 weeks. Unfortunaely, that lasted 1 total of 4 hours because by the time the evening came, he insisted and persisted so much to the point of exasperation that my husband (who is pretty good at standing by his word) just caved in and allowed him to have the computer. He too realized acknowledge that what he did was wrong and that he knew we would be worried. We are at a loss as to what else to do if this was to happen again.Any suggestions?
4. Vicki | March 23rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Hi Daniel,
You and I have previously spoken about my son, Chris, who is 14 years old. His behavior at home and school are pretty good right now, and this has mostly been due to our agreement that we will both try hard to keep a peaceful home life. That led to increased negotiating skills, on both our parts. One of the things we agreed was that we would calmly negotiate a situation, but if things got heated to screaming point, either of us could call the negotiation over. He is quite clear that, if negotiations fail, I am in a position to issue punishments, as in previous times. We both agree we don’t want this, or the repercussions of this.
Our current relationship is one of quality conversations and negotiations in the relatively short time together during the day. For me, I also enjoy that my son is learning valuable skills to lead him into adulthood. He is an intelligent young man and I have to appeal to that side of his character if I am to keep peace in the home.
We are a strong, loving, supportive family and Chris knows he is loved very much – that is never in question. To get through these turbulent years, it took maturity from both of us and I am pleased with my current home life.
I hope these comments may comfort Zee.
Thanks for the blog, Daniel.
5. Jenn Rogers | March 23rd, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Excellent post! I am the mother of 4, my oldest is a tween. This is new territory for me, and I appreciate any and all advice! She tends to hold things in, the complete opposite of her mom. I am keeping the lines of communication open, letting her know I am here for her, and learning the fine art of listening. Listening and giving her my undivided attention. Not an easy task with work and little ones around, but worth it. She really appreciates one on one time. The information given in this post was very helpful! Thanks so much!
6. Judy Cosentino | March 23rd, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Hi Daniel,
Open ended questions in their speciality is the best! I am a single Mom of 2 teenagers. To keep them connected, I give them jobs such as get the recycling out or cleaning up the yard and then I just happen to be passing when they are bundling and say ‘hey, you look like you could use a hand’. They are always very happy to see me and then we finish the job as a family. I find that when I’m doing and they are passing, they are more inclinded to jump in and help.
I also ask their opinion on the best way to tackle a project.
Thanks for your words of wisdom.
7. Daniel | March 23rd, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Thank you Zee, Vicki, and Jenn for posting! Great to hear about the successes and the challenges.
First to Zee: If you haven’t already signed up for my special report, I would recommend that you do so. Here is the link: http://parentingpowers.com/daniel/index.html
There is a lot of info there which I think would be helpful to you.
Two main points: The punishment has to fit the crime or it will be a challenge for either side to take it seriously and uphold it. For example, it would make sense to take away the computer if your child was looking at inappropriate sites. But to take away the computer for doing something completely unrelated to its use, only causes resentment on the child’s part. It is important to consider the lesson that we are hoping to teach.
A written contract might come in handy at this point. You, your husband, and your son agree on a consequence if this kind of behavior happens again, and put it into writing. Then sign it. If the rule is broken, there is no other option but to follow through with the consequence.
Vicki: Thank you for the great explanation given about how the negotiations take place. I like how you also gave Chris the power to call the negotiations off if he felt like they were going nowhere.
Jenn: I’m very happy to hear that the post was helpful It’s super that you can see how much your daughter appreciates that one on one time. This is so important for children and teens to have with their parents, especially when there are other siblings in the picture. Every effort you make in giving your children your undivided attention is surely noted by them.
To all of you: Keep up the great parenting!
8. Norma | March 24th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Thanks for the tips will give some of them a try to better communicate with my teen daughter.
9. Daniel | March 25th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Thanks so much Judy for posting! Great ideas that really work!
10. Daniel | March 25th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Hi Norma, Glad to hear that the tips were useful! Please keep us posted on your practice and progress!
11. Gail | April 16th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Any suggestions for monitoring computor activity? The last program we installed blocked sights that were not as offensive.. It stirred up frustration / anger… My sons are 18 and 11.. I really do not want the porn etc.. for either..What is the best way to present it and remain.. calm.. composed.. consisitant?I am about to install a new program..
12. Daniel | April 16th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Hi Gail, I assume it is your older son who you are concerned with looking at pornography. Is this correct? Have you spoken with him about it?
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