August 30th, 2010 at 01:50pm
Under Children+ Family+ Teens/Tweens
The beginning of the school year is a great time to set up an allowance plan for your kids. This is not payment for chores, rather, teaching them how to manage their money.
1. Each child is allotted 3-5 envelopes (depending on the age and stage and needs of the child)
2. Each envelope is labeled with something like:
- spending Money $1.50 (little things, gum, candy, little toy, etc.)
- Lunch Money $5.00 (to bring to school)
- Bank deposit Money $2.00 (College Savings, First Car Savings,-something BIG and long term. Open up a children’s savings account and let your child watch the money grow and the interest accumulate. Kids love this!)
- Something I am saving for Money $1.50 (Something your child is asking for a bit bigger- new game for computer, toy, etc.)
- Charity $1.00 (Church, Synagogue or charity of child’s choice)
3. Decide how much you want your child to put in each envelope.
4. Pick one day a week.
5. Make sure you have $1’s and change.
6. Hand your child the wad of cash and change and have them divide it up and put it in the correct envelopes.
7. Now for the fun part! Before you go to the store, tell your children, if they want to buy anything they need to bring along their “Spending Money” envelope.
8. When you get to the store, do not get involved with the purchase. Let them decide how to spend their money.
9. If they ask to borrow from one envelope to put more in another envelope, let them; but have them write an IOU to that envelope and tell them that until the IOU is paid up each week’s “spending money” has to go to the other envelope.
10. Let them feel their successes and their failures; this is a wonderful lesson to give your kids!
A few tips that have helped parents not forget to pay up:
- Take out cash at the beginning of the month in 1$ bills and set aside.
- Give them their money at the weekly family meeting (make this part of the agenda)
- Make a weekly trip to the bank with your child so they can deposit into their long term savings account.
Let me know how this works and share your child’s money learning stories here!
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Tags: allowance, Chores, consistent parenting, Family, kids behaviors, kids chores, Parenting Calm, parenting powers, susan epstein
By Susan Epstein
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:58pm
Under Children+ Family+ Teens/Tweens
If you are a single parent and trying to start over you know what I am talking about.
Perhaps you just started dating or you have been with the same person for a long while.
Maybe you are thinking of blending your families or maybe you have already done this.
But it is not white picket fences and roses…you are getting flack from your kids. You can tell that they are not happy about these changes in their lives…they seem angry, they have pulled back or they are rude or disrespectful to your new mate. They ignore your s.o. They say, “You can’t tell me what to do, you are not my parent!” Sometimes, they even verbalize to you “that if you really loved them, you would end the relationship and devote yourself completely to them.”
You might feel guilty enough for starting over. But deep down you know that you do have a right to happiness and believe that this person in your life is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You just wish it wasn’t so hard, stressful and such a big deal. And to top it off, you are completely in the middle. Your significant other wants you to control your kids and your kids want your significant other to just “go away”.
Now here you are second guessing yourself and wondering if the kids might be right after all. Racked with guilt, you fear that you are damaging your kids.
Well, here’s the scoop…the choices have been made and you do have a right to happiness and your kids have a right to see you in an adult relationship that lasts. Here’s what to do:
- Tell your kids that they don’t have to “like” your mate but they must acknowledge him or her and be polite.
- Tell your “other” that the kids need adjustment time and you will insist on them to be respectful but relationships take time and they should be patient.
- Plan weekly family meetings to go over schedules, plan weekends and vacations.
- Ask the step-parent to do something alone with your tween or teen (ie…teaching them to drive, helping with a difficult school subject that you aren’t good at, giving a ride, etc.)
- Create some new family rituals around dinners and holidays that do not look like the way you used to do things.
- Tell everyone how much you love and appreciate them for being patient with this new family and hanging in there.
So when your kids tell you if you really loved them you would get rid of Alice or Jim, tell them because you really love them, you are going to hang in there and teach them about love, commitment, loyalty and family and that marriage can work!
If you haven’t picked up your copy of Your Out of Control Teen…..there are hundreds of more tips and techniques for getting along and building a great relationship with the teen in your home. Click here for the details.
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Tags: blending families, Children, parenting advice, Parenting Calm, parenting powers, stepparenting, susan epstein, teens, tweens
By Susan Epstein
August 16th, 2010 at 06:54pm
Under Children+ Family+ Teens/Tweens
Rewards often don’t work for getting kids to chip in around the house. Let me ask you, do you really blame your kids for not wanting to take out the trash, set the table, sweep the floor or clean up their rooms? Do you want to do it? Does paying them work in the long term? If you’ve tried the reward system, you know that it doesn’t work forever.
Here are some tips to get your kids on board with helping out around the house:
- Explain why doing the chore is necessary. A chore that is not fun or interesting can become more meaningful if you can show your kids that it is part of the bigger picture. Explain that if each family member does one small chore each day you will have more fun for the fun things your family gets to do…such as go swimming or watch a movie together. Draw picture of each person’s contribution and show how like a machine with moving parts each person’s contribution helps the house run smoothly.
- Say out loud…”Yes, I know that this chore is BORING.” Let your kids know that you understand that cleaning their room isn’t a lot of fun. This isn’t a lecture…it is empathy.
- Let the kids do their chores their own way. Don’t control them. You can tell them that you want the table set…but you don’t have to micro-manage where the fork and spoon go. Let them have fun and use their creative minds while doing their chore…as long as it gets completed.
- And if all else fails…use the Tom Sawyer method. If you remember the story, Tom is white washing the fence and he is not having fun….but then he gets an idea. He tells his friend that painting the fence is not a grim chore, rather a fantastic privilege. His friend asks to try but Tom won’t let him, saying it is way too fun. Finally, he gets his friend to give him an apple to try painting. Soon after, more boys arrive, and vie for the privilege of painting the fence. So..pretend you are so enjoying washing the dishes…make it look fun…Soon your kids will be begging you to help!
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Tags: calm parenting, Chores, communication, family rituals, parenting, parenting powers
By Susan Epstein
August 9th, 2010 at 03:37pm
Under ADHD+ Children+ Family+ Teens/Tweens
Parenting has become more complicated in the last 30 years. What used to work: “Wait until your father gets home!” is long gone and parenting has become big business. Walk into any bookstore and you’ll see dozens of books on how to control your disrespectful child or teen.
If you are one of those parents who is walking on egg shells around your kids because you are afraid of the next blow up, then the following tips are just for you.
Stay calm: Imagine you are a robot and you are up for an Academy Award. You cannot show that you are upset or you will not be nominated. Take deep breathes and say as little as possible.
No Lecture: Lectures put kids in the tune out zone or they can trigger an explosive outburst from either you or your child or both of you.
No Questions: Questions put kids on the defensive and they feel backed into a corner. Instead listen to what they are saying and repeat back to them what they are asking.
Be Super Clear: Use as few words as possible when making requests of your child or teen. A good model to follow is: Just the facts, how you feel and simple request. (“You left your towel on the floor. It frustrates me to keep reminding you to pick it up. Please hang it up now.”)
Name the Non-Verbal Behavior: “Please don’t roll your eyes at me, that is disrespectful.”
Don’t Give Up: Continue correcting the child or teen until they get it and change their behavior.
Visual Reminders: Use post-its, screen savers, etc..to remind yourself to stay calm. “I am a calm parent. I am in control of how I respond to my child/teen. Like a flower wafting its fragrance for all to smell, so will my calmness spread through-out my home to all who live with me.”
Correct with Love and Kindness: Show you can by hanging in there and not losing it. Use the words “please and thank-you” with your kids.
I guarantee that if you even do one or two of these consistently you will see huge changes in your children’s behavior. Let’s start a discussion about what works for you.
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Tags: calm parenting, parenting, parenting powers, taking care of yourself
By Susan Epstein
August 2nd, 2010 at 01:42pm
Under Children+ Family+ Teens/Tweens
If you are like most parents have more than you can handle on your plate. You may work outside or inside the home, housework, laundry, shopping, yard work, carpools, doctor appointments, paying bills, child care, supervising your kids and on and on. It is very probable that a day has gone by where you didn’t spend time with one of your kids. I don’t mean a two hour mommy/child play date…how about reading them a story or having a 10 minute conversation about something that is important to them? Over the years I have provided many hours of family therapy to my clients. They have told me, “thank goodness we came today, it’s the only time we have stopped and paid attention to each other all week.” A few weeks ago, I challenged you to make eye contact with your children at least 5 times a day. I hope that this small shift in your behavior has made a big impact on your relationship with your children.
This week, let’s try to take 10 minutes out of each day to STOP and pay attention to what each of our children/teens is doing or saying and just watch and listen. I want you to practice being fully present. No phone, no TV, no computer, just you and your child. Post a comment on how this is going for you!
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Tags: activities, calm parenting, communication, parenting, parenting powers
By Susan Epstein
