Anger Management Children

No More Yelling!

  Imagine a world where parents and children showed respect towards each other? Imagine not yelling at your children? Imagine having chores done with little or no chaos? Parent Coaching is making the difference in how we parent our children.

  Does this dialogue sound familiar?

[Mom Ordering] “Johnny, make your bed.”

[Johnny Talking Back] “I don’t want to.”

[Mom Demanding] “I said, make your bed!”

[Johnny Severe Disrespect] “You can’t make me!”

[Mom Exasperated] “Johnny, how many times have I told you to do what you are told?”

[Johnny Rejecting Authority] “Leave me alone!”

[Mom Frustrated, Giving Up] “That’s it, no TV tonight! ” (bed still not made).

  Three, four and five-year old children are being identified with severe behavior issues. Teens are talking back, refusing to participate in family life. Parents are yelling at the kids and the kids are hitting and kicking their parents. We have chaos in our homes. Parents are looking for answers.   Parents are crying out for help to create a home life free of yelling.

   In 1988, my family made a cross-country trip from San Francisco, CA to New London, CT.  We stopped in Kalona, Iowa and stayed with a friend that I had not seen in ten years. She and her husband had eight children under the age of eleven. I had one three–year-old son. She was a stay–at-home mom and planned to home school her children until they reached high school age.

  When we were greeted at the door, nine sets of eyes were peering at us from every angle. My first thought was that my friend and I would have very little time to catch up on ten years. To my surprise, we not only caught up on our respective lives but I had been witness to some of the best parenting I have ever seen.

  Over the years, as I was struggling with my own parenting, I often thought of my friend in Iowa. I just couldn’t figure out how to implement what I saw her and her husband doing. I was completely stumped. How would I ever figure out how to make my kids listen, to pitch in and to not yell? Look for part 2 of this article where Susan tells you how she figured this out and used Parent Coaching techniques to become a calm parent.

  Fourteen years later, I was participating in a life coaching training. Coaches from all over the country practiced speaking to each other in a direct and focused way.  We learned to listen to each other on more than one level. We trained ourselves to recognize when we became distracted. We threw away the blame and defensiveness that was bred into us. We made requests of each other and acknowledged each other’s strengths. I began to wonder what it would look like if parents spoke to their children this way. Could we truly throw away the old saying, “Do what you are told”? Could this be an answer to the confusion of parenting? Could parent coaching techniques make the difference in my home?

  I flashed back to fourteen years ago and remembered what I had seen at my friend’s home in Iowa.   She and her husband made eye contact with their kids. They stopped doing what they were doing to listen to and speak with their kids. They made clear requests and followed up to ensure the requests were done. They praised their kids for a job well done.

  I started imagining dialogues between parents and kids. The more I played with this idea, the more I was sure that we, the parents, hold the key to our relationship with our children. When we speak to our children with focus and specifics we get results. When we show respect we get respect back.

  I wondered if a conversation such as this might work between parent and child?

[Mom Respectful] “Johnny, I have a request.”

[Johnny Curious] “What is it mom?”

[Mom Specific Request] “I would like to request that you make your bed.”

[Johnny Partial Commitment] “Yeah, OK…”

[Mom More Specific] “When will you do this?”

[Johnny Commitment] “After this show."

[Mom Asking for Accountability] “Johnny, how will I know that it is done?”

[Johnny Accountable Commitment] “Um, I know, I’ll call you up to my room and show you my bed all made!”

[Mom Championing and Visioning] “Great Johnny, I can’t wait to see it! I know that you will get right on this after the show and I can already imagine what a great job you will do!”

[Johnny Proud] “Thanks mom!”

  This coaching approach encourages parents to be good listeners, ask questions and ultimately teach respect. Maybe, the bed gets made with the absence of yelling, frustration and punishment. Parents can feel successful at parenting. Children can feel proud about pleasing their parents and accomplishing tasks that may appear overwhelming.

Can any of us imagine this working? I can and I gave a try with my two teenage children. What I found was that the kids were so surprised that I was asking them when they might do a chore rather than commanding them to do it immediately that they responded to me fairly well.  After a while, they were on to me. (I usually test my parenting ideas out on them first before sharing them with my clients.) They shared that they liked this new way of communicating.

What I do know is that I’m enjoying doling out the chores, where I used to dread it and there is a lot less frustration around getting chores done than before.

Why don’t you give it a try?